Mikado comes to Ikebukuro after his friend Masaomi gets angsty, wants to see Sunshine City. Girl has rubbish home life, gets angsty, gets kidnapped. Girl saved by Black Rider with cute helmet, is told by Izaya she was played, gets angsty, jumps off building. Saved by Black rider then never seen again.
Mikado goes to school, sees Anri, is betwitched by her large chest. Masaomi tries to pick up girls, tells Mikado about gangs. That could be important later on. They run into Dotachin and Erika and other people who aren't as awesome. Anri getting bullied by badly dressed ganguro girls and a mentally retarded gang member. Mikado tries to save her, fails, Izaya stomps on a phone. People run. Bartender shouts at Izaya, gang members attack bartender, now Shizuo, man gets clothes punched off him. Large black Russian stops the fight - isn't that always the way?
Shinra makes bad home movies for Black Rider, now Celty. She yearns for (her) head. Head crime in Ireland rises 100%. Shinra's dad cuts up Celty, Shinra sees Celty's breasts. Mikado still fascinated by Anri's chest, so is a pervy teacher. Masaomi saves the day. Runs into some gang members, Mikado tries to save him, fails, sword wielding lunatic with crazy eyes interrupts them. She might be important. Masaomi knows a girl in the hospital, Jun Maeda gets angsty.
Dotachin, Erika and some other unimportant characters go to save someone equally unimportant. Chloroform fun. Shizuo has a brother and uncontrollable rage. Lifts refrigerator, gets hospitalised. Tries to save bakery owner, fails, gets annoyed by Shinra, meets Celty. Shizuo angered by Izaya, gets chest cut, run over by van, not hospitalised. Finds solace in hitting people with signs. Becomes debt collector, roughs people up for money. Anger management.
Celty dreams of (her) head, gets angsty, sits around in pyjamas, makes bad food. Creates black sphere of tsundere. Anri loses her shoes, Celty talks to Shizuo, Celty and Shinra have sushi. Celty's head looks like one attached to some girl. Ménage à trois imminent. Seiji mentally tortured by sister, father had Celty's head in a jar, Seiji falls in love with head. Everyone just wants (that) head. Seiji turns out to be psychotic. Shocker. Kills girl, sister sorts out, head supposedly attached to girl. Head now wants to wear hats all the time. Head runs away (with body), Seiji stabs Shizuo with a pen, not exactly the Bourne Identity.
Celty chases after head, Mikado takes head (with body) back to apartment. Invites Masaomi over. Sexy hijinks do not ensue. Mikado asks about Dollars, all about the benjamins, tries to ask out Anri. Fails. Mikado gets bullied by retarded gang member version two, now with added hair. Izaya stomps on gang member. People run. Celty confronts Mikado, wants head. Mikado willing to give. Apartment now filled with cleaner thugs, that sort of infestation will need addressing. Mikado mobilises the Dollars, I love it when a plan comes together.
Seiji's sister berates Mikado, dramatic text message sorts her out. Isaac and Miria make best cameo evar. Celty talks to head, Dotachin provides. Mikado king of the Dollars. Celty gets angry, defies gravity, starts carving up fools. Everyone shocked she is headless. All she wants is (her) head. Head intervenes, apparently not Celty's head at all: crazy stalker. Seiji classes her as rank amateur, minces her face. Seiji's sister fixes face with help of Shinra, adds dandy scar mark. All Seiji wanted was (Celty's) head, all he got was this disfigured stalker. Celty mad at Shinra, but Celty is warm and fuzzy for him. Hugging ensues. Izaya has Celty's head, hopes it no longer has bite reflex.
New opening, sad Anri in rain. Seiji and stalker now inseparable, psycho and stalker, together at last. Celty gets hassled by traffic cop. He might be important. Shinra's dad arrives, wears gas mask and surgical gloves, even in the shower, runs from Celty. He might be important too. Anri still getting hit on by teacher. Also bullied, retreats to happy place, monochrome. Journalist starts asking about strong people, was punched by Shizuo. Redundant. Wait he was important? Gets stabbed outside house, symptoms include acute stupidity, red eyes, penchant for knives. Shizuo squashes journalist with van door, Celty takes knife, Erika still awesome.
Demon blade Saika apparently not made in Japan 2009. Knock at Anri's door, girl with crazy eyes, of course please come in. Crazy eyes also glow, this can't be good, where did you hide that knife? Knock at the door. It's the pervy teacher, crazy eyes wants to get stabby. Shizuo wants to bludgeon Izaya, interrupted by crowd all wearing grey. Ganguro girls wielding knives, guess they weren't carved up. Shizuo punches a lot of people, gets natty gloves. Crazy eyes tries to stab Anri. That's not a knife, this is a knife. Saika.
Shizuo keeps punching people, Anri reminisces, not super fun happy times. Anri wields Saika, crazy eyes just Saika-lite, saves the day. Teacher runs away, no freaky schoolgirl sex for him. Anri in hospital bed, is that necessary for a cut on the face? Izaya planned it all, no really. Meeting for people who like yellow clothing, well if it isn't Masaomi. Izaya plays shogi-chess-checkers with himself, loses, sets board on fire, plays cards, loses, burns cards. Not a good day for indoor games. Masaomi has troubled past. Of course. Rolled with the Yellow Scarves, girlfriend with huge head got smooshed by Blue Squares, Red Shoes and Purple Circles strangely quiet. Dotachin saves Masaomi's girlfriend, Erika still awesome. Masaomi angsty.
Anri leaves hospital, facial wound healed enough for her to be able to walk. Masaomi distant, angsty. People talk on the internet, Izaya pretends he's a girl. LOL. Yellow Scarves beat up Dollars, Anri infiltrates HQ, wearing one piece hoody. Fails. Is saved by Celty, mount and blade. Izaya: all according to plan. Dotachin, Erika and some other people talk to Masaomi, don't run from your past tiny blonde one. Yellow Scarves getting out of hand, Masaomi too busy being angsty to notice.
Anri makes things worse by remote controlling Yellow Scarves members, yeah she can do that now. Mikado is angsty, worried about Anri's chest, types at his computer. Typical nerd. Anri in trouble, Yellow Scarves give chase, thrilling escape! Dollars mailing list saves the day. Spam filters ineffective. Anri now bunny girl, wrong type. Masaomi punches wall, Anri runs away. Angst levels critical. Shizuo annoyed at phone, punches Yellow Scarves members, Anri saved, is taken home by Celty. Shinra's chances of threesome increase. Mikado happy, looks up at rain, mobile phone still works. Shizuo shot, bummer.
Everyone walking about in rain, buy umbrellas people. Masaomi no longer in control of Yellow Scarves, surprise! Shizuo fine, patched up by Shinra. Celty visits Mikado, Rent-a-Dullahan business is booming. Izaya plays shogi-chess-checkers on triangular board, not yet on fire. Masaomi goes to Yellow Scarves, gets hit with crowbar, dodge fool! Punching ensues. Anri arrives, ladies-with-swords quota now filled, Celty and Mikado arrive. Mikado still useless, hugs Masaomi. My that's a lot of blood from a head wound.
Shizuo wields sign, chops up car. Traffic cop pulls car over. He was important after all! Izaya has gun that shot Shizuo, Anri mad. Izaya quick. Less talking more chopping! No cutting just punching, at least Simon got some screentime. Head still in jar, Shinra's dad absent and Izaya still with all his limbs, would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those pesky kids. Masaomi runs away with crippled-but-not girlfriend. Celty seduces Shinra, Mikado and Anri smile at each other. The city is safe once more!
Fin
Mostly inspired by 5 seasons of Lost in 8 minutes. Had I the time and ability, I'd do a video version of this.