Queen's Blade Rebellion: An interpretation of episode 01

[EXT. Idyllic port]

  • Flying pirate ship: PEW PEW PEW!
  • Hapless villagers: Why is she attacking us with potassium chloride?!
  • Dandy pirate: *evil cackle*
  • Hapless villagers: That outfit does not look conducive to piracy!
  • Skeletons: RARGH!
  • Animators: Who knew skeletons were so hard to animate?
  • Please note: the remainder of this post contains images of nudity, if you are offended by these or are otherwise unable to view these images within your municipality due to laws or moral obligations, please do not proceed.

    • Cloaked figure (totally not female): *kick*
    • Panties: HELLO!
    • Dandy pirate: Let us duel!
    • Breasts: HELLO!
    • Cloaked figure (totally not female): Starfish nipples? Finally the echinoderm fetishists are catered for!

    [EXT. Idyllic mountain town]

    • Eight year old child: I am an elf so canonically older than everyone! I will likely be sexually assaulted later in the series
    • Busty golem: Despite this series being medieval, I am somehow radio controlled
    • Queen's guard: We need fruit, scurvy is rampant amongst our ranks! Please donate your fruit to your queen!
    • Evil blue haired girl: You are attempting to impress socialist ideals upon a now capitalist society despite a progressive but tyrannical matriarchy!
    • Queen's guard: ...
    • Busty golem: SHE-HULK CRUSH
    • Eight year old child: Notice how when my automaton attacks her clothes become transparent. I am in no way feeding the audience's perversion
    • Queen's guard 1: My sword arm! I'll be thrown out of the guard! What will my scurvy-wracked husband and three children do now?!
    • Queens guard 2: If only there were some way to disable the automaton that was only protected by a small child!
    • Evil blue haired girl: Thank you tiny child. Please take this in no way poisoned apple as a reward!

    [INT. Implausible castle on top of a mountain]

    • Volus: I am far from my home planet human, fight for me!
    • Giant salamander: Help! My masters have witheld treatment for my sialorrhea! Without it I could drown!
    • Inappropriately dressed warrior: HA-CHA!
    • Giant salamander: You hit my tongue! Jees, that's just rude!
    • Volus: That saliva did not cover your nubile body as the crowd demanded, now I must electrocute you!
    • Inappropriately dressed warrior: Surely you will win more money by letting me defeat this grotesque beast?
    • Giant salamander: Hey I'm standing right here!
    • Volus: It sounds like you are enjoying this electricity, I must give you more of it then!

    [INT. Water feature, possible future bath scene]

    • Eight year old child 2: *plot* *scheme* *thinly vieled insult*
    • Pornographic nun: *religious zeal*

    [EXT. Tribal encampment]

    • Nipples: HELLO!
    • Phallic cod-piece: HELLO!
    • Tentacles: Hoho, wait for it!
    • Old man: Hey I paid for an hour! Keep dancing!
    • Tribal oracle: *smoooosh*
    • Tentacles: Haha, fooled you! No rape this time!

    [INT. Eight year old child's house]

    • Evil blue haired girl: I have brought you these in no way poisonous flowers!
    • Eight year old child: These look like nerium oleander...
    • Evil blue haired girl: Don't be silly! Hey a shiny stone, I'll just go ahead and steal it...
    • Eight year old child: Hey your hands didn't melt when you tried to selflessly clean that incredibly powerful artefact, phew!
    • Evil blue haired girl: Yes... "Clean"...

    [EXT. Idyllic mountain town]

    • Eight year old child 2: Come with me and bring your sex robot with you
    • Eight year old child: No
    • Crowd: Gasp!
    • Queen's guard: Please, someone, vitamin C. So... Much... Scurvy...
    • Eight year old child 2: Oh go on
    • Eight year old child: Oh alright then
    • Cloaked figure (totally not female): It is hard to breathe with all this disguise on

    [EXT. Outside idyllic mountain town]

    • Ropes: *smoooosh*
    • Queen's guard 1: Did the ropes really have to squash her boobs? We're all female and would surely be aware how uncomfortable that would be
    • Queen's guard 2: Quiet! The maid outfit is not deviant enough, bondage must be introduced!
    • Eight year old child: Mwuh ha ha ha!
    • Busty golem: SHE-HULK LIFT
    • Cart: *creeeeak*
    • Physics: Wood doesn't have this kind of lateral strength!
    • Queen's guard: Team Rocket are blasting off again!
    • Eight year old child: But of course I unhitched the horses before tossing the carts, I am no monster!
    • Animators: Phew
    • Eight year old child 2: The anachronistic microphone I planted into the horses worked perfectly. Now to scheme!
    • Elina: I have a sister complex and a complete disregard for physics!
    • Busty golem: SHE-HULK KICK
    • Panties: HELLO!
    • Busty golem: ROCKET PUNCH
    • Eight year old child's leaf panties: HELLO!
    • Remote control: wheeeee!
    • Busty golem: Oh no, now my controller is out of range, my breasts will break through my clothing!
    • Breasts: HELLO!
    • Elina: Wait, what? Oh whatever, CHOP!
    • Cloaked figure (totally not female): Parry!
    • Physics: You can't parry a lunge like that!

    Cloaked figure (totally not female) evolved into Knight (totally not female)!

    • Elina: Your exposed cleavage, short skirt, long hair and feminine features leads me to believe you are in fact THE MOST MANLY OF MEN


    • Eight year old child 2: My holographic display says you have cancer
    • Evil blue haired girl: Aw man


    • Knight (totally not female): Let us duel!
    • Elina: Meow!
    • Breastplate: *shatter*
    • Physics: Metal doesn't work that way!
    • Nipples: HELLO!
    • Elina: Good god, YOU'RE A WOMAN?! This is so unexpected!
    • Knight (totally female, who knew?!): Curse my flimsy armour! Oh no that eight year old child is falling off that cliff!
    • Eight year old child: wheeeee!
    • Knight (totally female and totally topless!): Pony, I choose you!
    • Elina: Why is that pony see-through?
    • Breasts: *smoooooosh*
    • Panties: HELLO!
    • Elina: Ah
    • Eight year old child: I didn't know this cliff was this high!
    • Physics: Falling doesn't work that way!


    • Hapless villager: Why am I running out of the village?!
    • Eight year old child: I'm not sure how my automaton is even carrying me anymore
    • Hapless villager: The other eight year old girl took the evil blue haired girl! And your shiny, glowing stone!
    • Eight year old child: Curses! Such a devious scheme! How could I have not seen this coming?! I knew I shouldn't have left the ridiculously powerful artefact out in the open! And those tours around my house to see it were, in retrospect, ill advised!

    [INT. Church?]

    • Pornographic nun: What is it minion, I am practising my kama sutra positions?
    • Less pornographic nun: Things are afoot!

    [Merciful credits]

Responses to “Queen's Blade Rebellion: An interpretation of episode 01”

If you wrung this much amusement out of the first episode, you should really watch the next one. One of them just begins masturbating on the side of the road. No reason for it. Just bored and finds her hands down her panties. And that's not even the worst part of the episode. I'm not even sure it's in the top three.